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Baseball: A Bunch of Bigoted Bastards

Baseball is back, and for those who are celebrating the return of the nation’s pastime, it’s time to face the truth: Baseball is a bigoted game, and we need to stop pretending that we don’t all see what is so obvious.          

The most egregious example of baseball’s racism has to be the “stolen base”, which is a statistic led by players of color almost every year nowadays. If it were a statistic typically led by white players, does anyone believe they would use such an insulting word as “stolen”? Of course not. They would be called “procured” bases, or something equally dignified. Other examples of baseball’s bigotry are easy to spot. Calling a pitch a “strike” is offensive to our union-member brothers, sisters and non-binary-conforming siblings. The position of “shortstop” is demeaning to vertically-challenged people. The areas from which patrons view games are called “stands” (they might as well post signs declaring “Wheelchairs Not Welcome”), and if an outfielder chases a ball through the warning track, what does he run into? That’s right, he runs into a wall! It’s as if Donald Trump himself invented this damned game.

Baseball is also fundamentally unfair. Let’s consider, for example, the 2019 World Series, which was won by the Washington Nationals. As we all know, the series went the maximum seven games, with Washington winning four games and the Houston Astros winning three. The Astros, however, had more hits than the Nationals during the series, with 68 total base hits for Houston and only 58 for Washington. The Houston Astros are the rightful champions. Baseball’s rules for determining winners is almost as unfair as the Electoral College; outrageously racist. Also, let us not forget that Game 6 was marred by strong wind gusts in Houston, an obvious result of climate change, which is also racist. The Washington Nationals are illegitimate World Series Champions, and something must be done. No justice, no peace! #NotMyChampions.

So, what should we do?  How do we take a stand against a sport that flaunts its toxic masculinity every time a player steps up to the plate and grabs his cup? The first step is to organize some tough guys to help; and they don’t have to really be tough, they just have to act that way. We can have them wear black clothes and black masks, and we can call them AntiBa (an abbreviation for “anti-baseball”). Once fans can begin attending ballgames again, AntiBa can patrol the stadiums to intimidate anyone trying to buy peanuts and Cracker Jacks. Next, we’ll get some Hollywood celebrities to join our cause, because they’re really smart. We can try to get Jim Carrey, because he used to be funny… wasn’t he? Then we can ask Alyssa Milano to help, because she is so intelligent and she is also kind of cute. Wait, scratch that insensitive remark. Forgiveness, please, for degrading women.

Anyway, the next time you’re triggered when an insensitive, un-woke announcer refers to a strikeout as a “K” – an unmistakable dog whistle to the Klan – remember that you’re not alone. Come join our movement! Please contact Colin Kaepernick, our Vice-President of Confused Protester Recruitment, at 1-555-ANTIBA. In the meantime, Resist!

PF Whalen