As Joe Biden hunkers down in his basement with Corn Pop, listening to his record player, and calling out malarkey wherever he sees it, he is indeed the inevitable Democrat nominee. It’s all but official, and the only mystery remaining is which leftist he will choose as his running mate in pursuit of the highest office in the land (shiver). But before we move on towards the General Election, let’s take a few moments to reflect on the Top 10 most memorable and amusing moments from the various Democrat candidates’ campaigns.
#10 – Beto O’Rourke – For those who had hoped Jeff Spicoli would run for president after moving on from Ridgemont High, they got the next best thing when Beto decided to run; bringing along his skateboard to fortify the similarity. His most entertaining moment came when he was asked to articulate “an actual policy” while on the campaign trail. Beto’s response included only one intelligible legislative proposal: Dude, I’m going to legalize weed. Totally! Perhaps he would have been better off explaining, “Relax, alright? My old man is a television repairman. He’s got this ultimate set of tools; I can fix it!”
#9 – Kamala Harris – That creepy laugh of hers – a combination of The Wicked Witch of the West and Edith Bunker – showed up so frequently on the campaign trail, it’s hard to distinguish one specific example of her chortling to recognize here. Instead, let’s go back to when she shut down her campaign, and the subsequent fallout and analysis from the leftwing/mainstream media. The reason why she had to drop out, you see, was due to the racism and sexism of the electorate. The fact that the people she was attacking were Democrat voters apparently went right over the heads of the moronic pundits who weighed in. “You voters, are racist and sexist! Yes, you Democrat voters who are always pointing to conservatives and Republicans as bigots. You, um… uh oh, wait a minute.”
#8 – Eric Swalwell – Has there ever been a weaker presidential candidate than this nincompoop? Considering that his infamous, on-air flatulence during an interview on MSNBC came after he threw in the towel, the unquestionable highlight of the actual campaign came when he proudly proclaimed, “I see you. I hear you. I’m for you. I AM you.” So, wait a second… Swalwell is a brainless, pandering imbecile. So, if he is us, that must mean we’re all brainless, pandering imbeciles too? Oh no! Fortunately, it was just a pathetic, ill-advised campaign maneuver, and we are not all Eric Swallwell. Whew!
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#7 – Marianne Williamson – If Stevie Nicks had run for president during her ‘witch’ phase, her campaign might have looked something like that of author Marianne Williamson. During the debate in Detroit last summer, Williamson warned us of the “dark psychic forces” being exploited by President Trump. For those of us expecting the great wizard Gandalf to come riding in on his horse and sweep up Williamson to help with the battle against Sauron, we were bitterly disappointed.
#6 – Elizabeth Warren & Amy Klobuchar – On January 21, 2020, the New York Times added ‘indecision’ to the growing list of absurd character flaws for the once-great-but-now-a-joke newspaper. They certainly couldn’t choose to endorse an old white guy like Joe Biden or Bernie Sanders, or a young white guy like Pete Buttigieg. And even though Andrew Yang is technically a member of a racial minority, Asian-Americans are too low on the Left’s victimhood scale for the Times to choose to endorse him. The solution: endorse a woman, but which one? Ultimately, the Times chose not to choose, and instead endorsed both Warren and Klobuchar. If the Times had only consulted with me, I could have shared some wisdom I learned as a 22-year old: If you’re presented with the task of choosing between two women, don’t try to keep them both…. It’s not going to end well.
#5 – Cory Booker – Earlier in the Detroit debate last summer, Beto O’Rourke inexplicably began speaking Spanish, for no apparent reason. A short while later, Booker couldn’t resist the temptation to upstage Beto, and went on a Spanish diatribe himself. Sostenga mi cerveza, Gringo! Considering Booker had famously told the nation that he was Spartacus during the Brett Kavanaugh hearings, and since we all know that Spartacus spoke Latin (real Latin, not Pig Latin), this must mean that Senator Booker speaks no less than three languages. We are indeed privileged to have such a Renaissance man in our midst.
#4 – Bill De Blasio – The campaign of the disastrous New York City mayor and serial groundhog killer was doomed from the beginning, and he couldn’t even make it into the top 10 candidates polling in his own city. He was eventually exposed as nothing but a clown, and famously drew only 15 people to a campaign event in Iowa. But perhaps nothing highlighted his ineptitude better than this “rally” at Trump Tower, only a few blocks from his mayoral residence. Heckling Trump supporters – in New York City, no less – can be seen and heard drowning out their own mayor as he tries to pump up the “Green New Deal” and scold President Trump. Better luck next time, Billy.
#3 – Tulsi Gabbard – Imagine if President Trump had come across a genie in 2019, and he had been granted three wishes. His first wish would have been for better hair, no doubt. But his second wish probably would have looked very much like this. Hillary Clinton, the sorest of sore losers, accusing fellow Democrat Tulsi Gabbard of being a Russian pawn. Even better than the Mueller Report, nothing illustrated the absurdity of the Trump/Russia hoax more clearly than Hillary’s own words; Trump Derangement Syndrome indeed. For those keeping track, I suspect Trump’s third wish would have resulted in Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi spontaneously combusting.
#2 – Julian Castro – If you said to yourself, “Julian who?” you’re not alone. There weren’t a lot of memorable moments from the campaign of the former Obama cabinet member, but he did manage to provide us with this gem. While lecturing us about “reproductive justice” (if anyone is able to explain what the hell that means, I’m all ears), Castro proudly announced his support for taxpayer-funded abortions for “trans females”. Umm, wait…what? One has to assume he meant to say “trans males”, since that would mean a biological female who thinks she’s a man. Or at least I think that’s what it means. But Castro later added to the confusion when he was asked how he would pay for the initiative, and responded, “We’ll capture unicorns, harvest their fur and sell the proceeds.” Julian, we hardly knew ye.
#1 – Joe Biden – Where, oh where, to begin. It wouldn’t be difficult to fill an entire book with gaffes from good ole’ Uncle Joe, and in fact we could probably write an entire series. If forced to choose just one from this past primary campaign, however, it has to be this beauty from last December. On the heels of coming under fire for inappropriately hugging women and sniffing their hair, the former Vice-President decided to go off-script. For reasons that are still unclear, Biden began talking about his hairy legs and the way in which kids used to rub them, followed by “I love kids jumping on my lap.” Yup. Because nothing says, “I’m not really that creepy” quite like painting that mental image for all of us. Thanks for the nightmares Joe.
Note: Yes, I know that Castro really didn’t say that about unicorn fur. If you want to fact-check someone, why not start with CNN and MSNBC? That ought to keep you busy for years.