The Top 10 for November 2020
Let’s use the approach of the American Left this month – it’s all about feelings and griping… no solutions required:
#10 Santander Bank –
Nothing against the bank really, just the name. Or, more accurately, their insistence on the pronunciation of the name. We know it’s a Spanish company, but in America, Santander is pronounced “sant-and-dur”, not “son-ton-dare”. We don’t pretend we’re French when we’re discussing the University of Notre Dame and pronounce it “nutra-dom”, and if we’re ordering rigatoni marinara at an Italian restaurant, we don’t use funny accents on the “A”s and use our hands when doing so. Or at least most of us don’t.
#9 Irregardless –
“Regardless” is not only a real word, it’s a perfectly fine word. The same can be said for “irrespective”, which is a synonym. But at some point not too long ago, people decided that it would be a good idea to combine the two and create a new word: “irregardless”. Umm, nope. It’s not a real word and never has been.
#8 Starbucks –
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Yes, they’re an extremely liberal company, and the stories about cops being refused service pisses us off, but it’s their pretentiousness that really irks. Instead of medium and large sizes, they have “Venti” or “Grande”. It doesn’t get much more obnoxious than that. And any company that has customers who place an order for a, “trenta half caramel, half vanilla latte, decaf espresso heated only to 100° with nonfat milk and caramel” deserves all the scorn they get.
#7 Politicians Using Fake Accents –
It’s a strange phenomenon. Joe Biden is from Central Pennsylvania, but put him in a black church in the South, and suddenly he sounds like an Alabama preacher: “Mitt Romney’s gonna put y’all back in chains!” The biggest offender has to be Hillary Clinton. If she’s speaking in Washington or New York, she talks like a professor who just walked out of a Yale lecture hall. But put her in front of a microphone at a South Carolina rally, and she sounds like a cross between Ellie Mae Clampett and Larry the Cable Guy.
#6 Intersections with 4-Way Stop Signs –
Just bite the bullet and put in street lights, or give one road the right-of-way for Pete’s sake. If we come to such an intersection with little or no traffic: no big deal. But encounter one during rush hour and they’re a nightmare, particularly when more than one car arrives at the same time. Hand gestures and lip-reading:
“You go. Go ahead.”
“No, you go, please.”
“OK, I’ll go… wait, I thought you weren’t going!”
The hand gestures quickly turn into middle fingers, with beeping horns and red faces. Utter chaos.
#5 Al Sharpton –
Just because he calls himself a “reverend” doesn’t mean he is one. Call him “Al”, not “Reverend Al.” If he’s a reverend, then I’m a Rabbi.
#4 Happy Memorial Day –
Immediately after 9/11 there were calls to make September 11th a national holiday. Fortunately, it never happened, and many opponents correctly pointed to Memorial Day as an example of why it would be inappropriate. The whole meaning of Memorial Day has been forgotten or ignored by many. The purpose of the holiday is simple and solemn: to honor and remember those men and women who died while defending our great country. Wishing someone a “Happy Memorial Day” is like wishing a Christian a “Merry Good Friday.” Memorial Day is the most sacred of all secular holidays, but it’s evolving into something else.
#3 “Look at Me!… What are you looking at?!” –
We occasionally see them walking on the sidewalk or strolling through Wal-Mart. Nose-rings in each nostril, chin tattoos and turquoise-colored hair… often while wearing shorts and a t-shirt that are three sizes too small. Attire and adornments with one purpose – to get attention. They might as well hold a sign that says, “Notice me, please!” But if they catch you taking a glimpse of them, watch out. Dirty looks galore.
#2 Fruit in Beer –
There’s nothing wrong with having fruits and vegetables in other drinks. An olive in a martini, some celery in a Bloody Mary, and the fruits they put in good sangria are all fine. But beer is different. Beer is sacrosanct. Putting an orange slice or a lime wedge in your beer should be outlawed.
#1 February –
Yes, the entire month. February has no redeeming qualities. Football season is over, baseball season hasn’t begun, and the weather sucks. Februarys are to years what Mondays are to weeks. Thank goodness there are only 28.25 days with which we have to suffer each year.