(Editor’s Note: The following is satire… lighten up.)
There’s been breaking news in the past week that while “Lunch Bucket” Joe Biden was the Vice President he was using a private email account to send government documents to his son Hunter – the renowned defender of women’s dignity. It seems a number of State Department documents were sent to his son which could help Hunter in his business dealings. These emails were discovered on Hunter’s laptop. Given the huge number of copies of this laptop that are in circulation, it’s difficult to know where the news originated. Possible sources include:
- The New York Post
- Rudy Giuliani
- The FBI (Nah, probably not them)
- President Xi Jinping (likely saving it for a rainy day)
- Any number of white-supremacist insurgents who have bought it on eBay
While it’s known that Joe was using a private email account, there’s no word on where the email server may have been located. It was probably in a more secure location than Hillary’s bathroom (yuck). One rumor is that it was safe and secure in a New Jersey pole dancer’s apartment.
To be clear, sending government documents outside of the government email system is considered a felony – when Republicans do it. However, there is an exception to the rule which comes into play in old Joe’s case. Per the Madam Secretary Box-Wine precedent, a felony has not been committed if the offender didn’t mean it. With Joe’s mental acuity, he can always claim he didn’t understand what he was doing. I’d believe him, and I’m not a supporter.
But, when a crime is alleged, it must be investigated anyway. I’m sure Attorney General Merrick Garland is on it. After all, as Press Secretary Jen Psaki said, after circling back to it, he’s the least political member of President Asterisk’s cabinet. Heck, he was even nominated to be a Supreme Court justice once. President “We Are the Change” wouldn’t have nominated him if there were any question about his integrity.
I suspect General Garland is taking steps right now to appoint a special prosecutor. Perhaps James “The Cardinal” Comey can take time away from his busy schedule teaching ethics to college students. He’d be perfect for the job as he has:
- Superior intelligence (per James Comey)
- Unquestionable ethical standards (per James Comey)
- Unwavering patriotism (per James Comey)
- A memory that fails on command (per the congressional record)
“The Cardinal” will need an unbiased staff. That will be hard to find, given that Joe received more votes than any politician in history. Perhaps we can get the dream-team back together for one more gig.
- Andy “Leaks” McCabe – To handle media relations
- Peter “The Player” Strzok – To plan and execute the dirty tricks
- Andrew “The Closer” Weissmann – To provide creative legal interpretation
- Lisa “The Fluffer” Page – To keep everyone’s head in the game
- Kevin “The Fixer” Clinesmith – To ensure evidence integrity
With this crew after him, Joe should probably go ahead and set up a GoFundMe account. I hear Democrats are still allowed to use them. He’ll need it. According to Joe, he’s the poorest man in politics – which is either an indictment of his intelligence or everyone else’s greed – I’m not sure which.
But before we get ahead of ourselves, this could all turn out to be another Russian disinformation campaign. It could very well be that the Donald is still working with his pal Vlad to undermine our democratic republic.
Unfortunately, even if that is the case, the Donald is destined to remain free. “The Closer” Weissmann seems incapable of putting together a prosecutable case which can survive appeal.
Perhaps San Fran Nan can impeach the Donald again. After all, the third time’s the charm. This may be the first time in US Congressional history in which the house impeachment managers are referred to as “The Squad.” I’m sure Alexandria “The Bartender” Ocasio-Cortez can succeed where Adam “Lying Eyes” Schiff and Eric “The Spy Diddler” Swalwell failed. She can simply call anyone that votes against impeachment a racist. That should get most of the RINOs on board. If not, the Dems will always have Senator Delecto to make it a bipartisan show.
John Green is a political refugee from Minnesota, now residing in Star Idaho. He is a retired engineer with 40 years of experience in the areas of product development, quality assurance, organizational development, and corporate strategic planning. He currently writes at the American Free News Network (americanfreenewsnetwork.org). He can be followed on Facebook or reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Photo by Joe Biden at Flickr.