Dear Premier Commissar Trudeau,
The Central Committee of our beloved one-time USSR has asked me because I am good speaker of English to write you and tell you that we praise you, and we raised our glasses of vodka to you many times last night, for the way you have handled the serf (they call themselves freedom truckers, ho, ho—joke on them) revolt in your land. Da! We send you good Russian slap on back because you understand that inferior proletariat people, such as truckers who drive trucks for a living, should not interfere with superior Bolshevik proletariat people who think for a living and know world will be a better place when Communism is everywhere.
These troublesome inferior proletariat people must be governed with iron-fist, as you have done. Comrades Lenin and Stalin can tell you that first hand. They understood important concept that people either like you, which means you are a weak, panty-waist ruler, or they hate you, which means you are a brave leader of steel. Popularity is greatest threat to a well-run Communist state.
The sight of the iron-fisted tough police in their black masks, their all-black bulky clothing that make them look fierce, their guns, and their dogs has gotten us all reminiscing about the good ole days in the USSR. I can tell you that tears flowed from the eyes of many an old party apparatchik. Lenin was first brilliant leader to understand that faceless, threatening, nonstop force yields best fear quotient. The old guards at the Lubyanka wish me to tell you also that they can advise your police as to correct treatment of these stupid inferior proletariat trucker people who are a serious threat to wise absolutist rule.
They have whole manual of excellent means to extract loyalty and love from a rebellious people. (Unfortunately, it is in Russian, but there are many pictures that show all steps in different methods.) And, da, you understand never to negotiate with such people. I would advise that you do not even let them see you looking out of the window of the fourth floor men’s bathroom of the Parliament building, a place I came to know well from my days as an innocent observer of your country’s flawed and near-sighted attempt to emulate American and British capitalist democracy, which has been a failure ever since pilgrims traded wampum for food from Indians.
Honored Leader Trudeau, as you have so correctly shown, especially with regard to weakling and badly run countries such as Sweden, Iceland, and Japan, the only right way to govern is with iron fist, and if you issue a mandate, your word is law. What do truckers know about what’s best for them?! These insolent truckers who think they can tell you, their elected leader, what to do, have forgotten that when they voted for you, their say in government stopped there.
They gave you total power to decide what’s best for Canada. Even if you choose to wear silly turbans and Indian dress everywhere you and your family go in India and that makes you laughing stock of world, that’s your business, not theirs. Da, when the truckers voted for you, their say in government stopped there. Now they need to shut up and let you do your job because as elected leader you are always right and everything you do is right. And, if they don’t like it, they can do like our beloved Nikita, who banged his shoe on a table whenever he was mad and then let it go at that.
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As to recreation and re-indoctrination camps in very cold and unpleasant places, do not be influenced by the writings of Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who was what you would call a bring-down and who never understood how to have a good time in Siberia. Let me tell you, he was a kill-joy of the worst sort who never came out even once to one of our winter-festival cross-country outfox-frostbite romps. As we all liked to joke back when Al was still among us, he was a real Communist party-pooper. This was favorite joke of Khruschev. He would laugh his big Russian bear laugh every time we said that. Khrushchev didn’t like many jokes (Stalin and Brezhnev didn’t like any jokes), but Nikita did like that one. Also, that shoe-banging incident at the United Nations didn’t really happen. That was just funny stunt on Milton Berle show. He was such funny man, but we never showed Nikita that episode. He was very sensitive man and would have been hurt.
It is most unfortunate that the western press made our spas in Siberia out to be something like your Motel 8s. Let me be the first to say that we had an excellent success rate in these camps. Now, most fortunately, your press has been brought to heel by the excellent Twisted News Initiative, which is its real name, but people in the West respond better to Trusted. This news source has borrowed heavily from TASS approach, which is, very simply, if an acorn falling to the floor of a forest is seen by a hundred of your conservatives, the acorn has not fallen to the floor of the forest, and that’s that.
It is different if a member of the Central Committee says he saw an acorn fall to the floor of the forest, even if he didn’t see it, but another trusted member of the Central Committee tells him he did. I see where this is being used excellently to promote that silly Global Warming joke. That is a joke, right?
Of course, Canada is blessed with its own excellent Siberian conditions, starting in Ottawa even! Ho, ho, winter best season of year for people who are confused over systems of government. It would be so good if people realize that Communism is only system of government worth its salt. These Siberian places are especially good for rehabilitation of comrades who’ve lost their way in the wilderness of writings by Western Democrat nonsense-spewers such as Thomas Jefferson, Plato, Thomas Paine, and Edmund Burke. That is why there are no roads in Siberia, to teach them that only Communism leads somewhere worth going to. Your Northwest Territory would be a most excellent place to teach these stubborn Canadian citizens that any roads they find lead, like that Twilight Zone show I like so much, to always the same diner, which is in middle of nowhere, where all seats are taken by truckers whose trucks are all idling in parking lot, and everyone says 10, 4 good buddy instead of hello and goodbye, but no one gets to leave that diner because all roads lead back to it.
Da, much as with our dear leaders Lenin, Stalin, and Brezhnev, you understand that an iron fist is the only way to teach your little misbehaving Canadian children that the best way to keep Commissar Trudeau happy is to do whatever he tells you to do, because he loves his little Canadian children as much as he loves his own little children. He would be happy if you even called him Papa T. And he would never send his dear children to bed without their supper unless one of them left his toy truck in the hallway and he fell over it and slid on his nose to Parliament hill, which would, unfortunately, cause many Canadian people to laugh.
I tell you most strongly not to have any truck with the truckers, not to even let them see you in that fourth floor men’s room window! Like acorn in forest, if you don’t see them, they’re not there. Remember also lesson learned by Gorbachev who thought that glasnost and perestroika would make Russian people happy. All most-high-up party members even had bumper stickers on their Ladas that said JUST SAY NYET TO PERESTROIKA. You have very rightly realized that COVID is not a virus but a weapon and you have used it very well to soften the people up for true-blue Communist rule. But I am not telling you anything you don’t know.
And so dear leader commissar Trudeau, the Central Committee just wanted you to know that you have friends in Soviet Russia who wish you all the best in achieving complete tyranny over your silly little Canadian children who just need to be taught a lesson.
By Betty Louise Tyndale
Betty Louise Tyndale is a retired medical and scientific author and editor, and is a regular contributor to The Blue State Conservative.
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The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Blue State Conservative. The BSC is not responsible for, and does not verify the accuracy of, any information presented.
Featured photo of Soviet POWs by Military Museum of Finland, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons