The world has been wondering for a while now who is actually in charge at the White House. We all knew it couldn’t be that weird guy that wanders around the grounds holding hands with Dr. Jill – the greatest doctor in the world. We all doubted that it was Cackles Harris either. Leadership is an inspirational rather than intellectual skill – and she’s got neither.
Well, the mystery is solved. Our chief executive had to step out of the shadows to stop the weird guy from talking to the press about foreign affairs. We couldn’t have him start a war – like between Russia and Ukraine. The leader of the free world came forward to put a stop to it. That’s when we learned that the real “shot caller” in the White House is the Easter Bunny (EB).
The Easter Bunny of the United States (EBOTUS for you political neophytes) is actually running the show – and what a show it is. Around the White House, he is also known by his protective detail call sign, Harvey. I can’t tell you how much better I’m sleeping now. It’s way more comforting that America is being run by Harvey than the weird guy that sniffs children, yells at voters, whispers to reporters, and shakes hands with thin air.
Now that EBOTUS is out in the open, the head of our administration is administering as only EB can. Case in point: the events of this week. A Trump judge in Florida just ruled that mask mandates are illegal – in an impeccably reasoned decision. Well, the weird guy broke free from Dr. Jill and ran to the nearest microphone. With his most pouty face, he announced that there would be no appeal to the judge’s decision. Americans would just need to decide about masking themselves.
Wow! You mean I can actually decide on my own if I want to play western stagecoach robber or not? That’s not what Karen has been telling me. What a novel idea – let Americans run their own lives. I thought we outlawed that when Barry fundamentally changed America.
Joyous applause broke out in airplanes and train stations across the country. But happiness in America is so un-American these days. It was time to call a halt to that party. EB stepped in to provide some much-needed leadership. He directed the People’s Department of Justice (PDOJ) to appeal the judge’s decision.
Interestingly, the PDOJ is not seeking a stay on the judge’s order. They’re going to need some time to find an Obama judge to overturn the order. He/she/xe needs to be a transgendered pacific islander with face tattoos and an Antifa endorsement to send the right woke message.
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That means that the appeal will take some time. The CDC should be able to announce a new round of mask mandates by late October of this year – just before the election. To keep him smiling, EB will let the weird guy make the announcement – and accept the accolades from Americans.
Now, I’m not a fool. I know the Easter Bunny isn’t real. There’s still a mystery about who has been skipping around the White House, in a bunny suit, making all of the decisions, and ensuring that the weird guy gets blamed for them. The mystery will be solved for America during the fall television season. EB has agreed to be a contestant on The Masked Singer. We’ll get to see if the Donald can sing as well as he can troll.
By John Green
John Green is a political refugee from Minnesota, now residing in Idaho. He currently writes at the American Free News Network and The Blue State Conservative. He can be followed on Facebook or reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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