In a surprise announcement today, the White House has announced that Rochelle Walensky, Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, has been fired effective immediately and is being replaced with former CNN+ legend Chris Wallace.
According to a White House statement released this morning, Assistant Press Secretary Dick Dipshchitz stated, “President Biden recognizes the need for change at the top of the CDC. They’ve lost almost all their credibility and they only have a 4% approval rating according to recent polls, with a 3% margin of error. The president believes Chris Wallace is the one who can right the ship.”
When asked what qualifies Wallace for the job since he has no formal medical training, Dipschitz shrugged his shoulders and explained:
“The president doesn’t think it’s necessary to have a doctor heading up the CDC, what’s important is the other aspects of Chris Wallace’s skill set. He knows how to say, ‘follow the science.’ He understands that he needs to do whatever the White House and the teachers’ unions tell him to do. And we’re training him on how to blame all the CDC’s problems on Donald Trump. We believe Chris is going to be an outstanding CDC director.”
During an exclusive interview with Wallace shortly after the announcement, we pressed him on why he was chosen for the job since his stint at CNN+ was such a failure:
“I had a bunch of good ideas for CNN+, but nobody wanted to listen to me. If they had taken my advice, CNN+ would still in operations today. It could have lasted for at least a few more weeks.”
Wallace added, “With the CDC, I can fix it. I know I can.”
Asked for details on what steps he intends to take in fixing the CDC, Wallace provided the following five-point plan:
- Give Dr. Anthony Fauci a raise: He’s already the highest-paid federal employee, but he deserves more because he’s really smart. And he’s got a cool accent.
- Have a focus group meeting with the teachers’ unions: We need to understand if they think it’s safe for teachers to be back in classrooms with the recent uptick in COVID. We can’t be too safe with our teachers, particularly those who help indoctrinate kids on CRT and LGBTQ ideology.
- Start having daily press conferences again: Americans seem to think things are back to normal with COVID, and that’s entirely unacceptable. We need to get back to that panic level we had two years ago if we’re going to use COVID as an excuse for out-of-control spending.
- Reimplement the eviction moratorium: It still doesn’t make any sense why the CDC acted on forbidding evictions, but evicting people from their homes is bad. And if we got away with it once, we could probably get away with it again.
- Change our recommendations on vaccines and masking in public places: No one has any idea what our stances are on these issues, but it’s been at least a couple of weeks since we changed things, so we must be due to make an adjustment by now.
By Mondayus Satiricus
Mondayus Satircus is a non-binary political reporter whose preferred pronouns are kazhe/kazhim/kazhis. Kazhe has doctorate degrees in Journalism from Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, and the University of California Berkeley. Mondayus enjoys spending kazhis spare time smoking banana peels and tending to kazhis pet crickets. Kazhe does not participate in social media since none of you are worthy of kazhis attention.
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