House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has decided that the January 6th Committee, which was formed almost ten months ago, has been disappointing because former president Donald J. Trump is still not in prison and he leads Joe Biden by 83 percentage points in a hypothetical 2024 rematch in the presidential election.
“I just know that son of a bitch is guilty of something,” said Pelosi between swigs of Chivas. “So, we’re going to form another committee to look at January 7th as well, and Adam Schiff is going to head it up. We’re sure Trump did something bad that day too.”
When asked who she planned on putting on the new committee in addition to Schiff, Pelosi yelled incoherently, “Get out of my office! Where are my ice cubes?” And then passed out.
Adam Schiff could barely contain his excitement at being Chairdweeb of the new committee. “Now’s my chance to get back at Trump for calling me ‘pencil neck.’ I’ll show him! I’ve been doing neck exercises and taking judo lessons. He messed with the wrong guy!”
To have the new committee appear bipartisan, it is widely expected by beltway experts that both Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY) and Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-IL) will both be on the new committee as well as continuing with the January 6th Committee. When told of the committee’s imminent formation, Cheney said, “Oh boy, I hope Nancy asks me to be on this one too! My daddy will be so proud.”
Kinzinger, meanwhile, became teary-eyed when told of the new committee. When asked for a comment, his bottom lip began to quiver, he then started bawling like a first-grader and ran to the nearest ladies’ room.
President Biden is not only fully supportive of the idea, but he also believes there should be even more committees:
“I think Speaker Pelaski is doing the right thing by looking at January 7th, but she needs to do more. I think she needs to look at November 34th as well. That damned Trump is a resurrectionist, I mean masturbationist, umm, I mean insurrectionist. I’m going to go eat some ice cream with Corn Pop now.”
When told there are only 30 days in November, Biden yelled, “Screw you, you lyin’ dog-faced pony soldier. Want to rub my hairy legs?”
Vice-President Kamala Harris was more than willing to offer a detailed opinion of the January 7th Committee:
“A committee happens when a bunch of people get together and talk about things. Important things, like the significance of the passage of time, and how exciting space is. And busing, especially busing. Did you know that President Biden opposed busing when I was a little girl?”
Harris then started laughing uncontrollably before being hurried away by a group of secret service agents.
By Mondayus Satiricus
Mondayus Satircus is a non-binary political reporter whose preferred pronouns are kazhe/kazhim/kazhis. Kazhe has doctorate degrees in Journalism from Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, and the University of California Berkeley. Mondayus enjoys spending kazhis spare time smoking banana peels and tending to kazhis pet crickets. Kazhe does not participate in social media since none of you are worthy of kazhis attention.
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Featured photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America, CC BY-SA 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons