On Sunday as he was leaving church after Sunday mass, as all devout Catholics do, a reporter asked President Joe Biden for his opinion on the 1973 Supreme Court Decision, Roe Vs Wade. Biden didn’t hesitate with his answer:
“My preference is to wade, without a doubt. I have no interest in rowing. If I’m going to be in the water, I prefer to be in shallow water so I can swim if needed. I used to be a lifeguard you know, and one time I saved twenty people in just one weekend. And besides, I don’t like boats to begin with, and if I had to be on a boat, it would be one of those really fast ones that go ‘vroom.’ I certainly wouldn’t want to go in one that I have to row.”
When pointed out to Biden that the question was related to the 1973 Supreme Court case regarding abortion, Biden lashed out:
“I know that you stupid son of a bitch! And I think a woman should be able to choose where she has an abortion. It’s her body, and if she wants to have one while wading, that’s her business and no one else’s. We shouldn’t be telling her she has to get an abortion in a rowboat.”
When asked to clarify the president’s statements, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre responded:
“The president has been very clear on this issue, he simply misunderstood the reporter’s question which was vague and misleading. President Biden believes the government should keep their bans off women’s bodies, and that includes all their offspring. If a woman wants to have an abortion after 36 weeks that’s between her and her doctor. And if she wants to beat her annoying thirteen-year-old to death with a baseball bat, that’s between her and the sporting goods company.”
In a related story, while participating in a fiery-but-mostly-peaceful riot in Washington D.C., Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was asked to weigh in on Friday’s controversial Supreme Court decision Dobbs Vs. Jackson, the Congresswoman then put down her Molotov cocktail and explained,
“Dobbs was a character in that racist TV show ‘F-Troop.’ They’re all racists. Everything is racist, and this Dobbs V Jackson decision was racist. So now we’re talking matters into our own hands.”
When asked if her support of violent protests was problematic as a high-profile woman of influence, AOC got feisty and said,
“Not at all! It’s not like we’re behaving like those MAGA insurrectionists that stormed the Capitol building and threatened our democracy. Uh-oh, watch out for that grenade!!!”
When asked if she had an opinion on any of the recent Supreme Court decisions, Vice-President Kamala Harris began laughing uncontrollably and walked away while the mainstream media applauded.
By Mondayus Satiricus
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Mondayus Satircus is a non-binary political reporter whose preferred pronouns are kazhe/kazhim/kazhis and you had better use the proper pronouns. Kazhe has doctorate degrees in Journalism from Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, and the University of California Berkeley. Mondayus enjoys spending kazhis spare time smoking banana peels and tending to kazhis pet crickets. Kazhe does not participate in social media since none of you are worthy of kazhis attention.
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The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Blue State Conservative. The BSC is not responsible for, and does not verify the accuracy of, any information presented.
Notice: This article is complete satire, so lighten up.