Shortly after the landmark Dobbs V Jackson case was handed down by the Supreme Court of the United States, rocker Billy Joe Armstrong appeared onstage in the United Kingdom and declared his plan to renounce his American citizenship to the adoring, exceedingly intelligent crowd. It was widely expected that Armstrong, the front man for the band Green Day, would look to make Britain his next home. But yesterday Armstrong stunned the world by stating his plan to renounce his British citizenship as well.
In between bong hits at his seaside mansion in Brighton, Armstrong stated:
“It’s just totally bogus, dude. I’m truly bummin’. I just found out, like, these bungholes in England have abortion laws that are about the same… like… as red states like Indiana. It’s just so compressive, man. They don’t let women kill their babies on demand either. I mean, really, WTF, ya know man?”
When asked to comment, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, responded, “Who the bloody hell is Billy Joe Armstrong?”
Meanwhile, British Immigration Minister Alistair Piccadilly weighed in with this explanation:
“Mr. Armstrong isn’t even a British citizen yet, how can he renounce a citizenship he doesn’t even have? It’s completely mental. And, incidentally, we jolly well weren’t planning on giving him citizenship to begin with. Why in heaven’s name would we? That man is a total wanker.”
Reached for comment at their palatial California estate, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle had strong opinions on Armstrong’s decision.
“I think Billy Bob should go on with Oprah and tell his story. The whole thing is just so racist,” said Markle. “By the way, aren’t I beautiful?”
Harry jumped in with, “Meghan’s right, of course, I fully support everything she says. And I know this isn’t an easy decision for Billy Ray,” said Harry. “Calling out Britain’s injustices and taking a stand is a difficult choice. Please excuse me now. Meghan told me I need to do the dishes.”
Rumors have been swirling that Armstrong’s next choice for a country to call home would be North Korea. When informed of the speculation of Armstrong’s defection, North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jung Un was elated:
“Billy Bill Armstrong? He play basketball, right? He friend with Dennis Rodman, right? We love have him. Tell Billy Bill our arms open. We play Nintendo together. Hey, what happen to that Trump guy? Why he no call?”
When asked for his take on the Armstrong situation, President Joe Biden replied, “I didn’t know Neil Armstrong was British.”
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By Mondayus Satiricus
Mondayus Satircus is a non-binary political reporter whose preferred pronouns are kazhe/kazhim/kazhis and you had better use the proper pronouns. Kazhe has doctorate degrees in Journalism from Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, and the University of California Berkeley. Mondayus enjoys spending kazhis spare time smoking banana peels and tending to kazhis pet crickets. Kazhe does not participate in social media since none of you are worthy of kazhis attention.
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