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First Lady Jill Biden Tells Saudi Arabians “You’re As Unique As Breakfast Falafel” [Satire]

Fresh off last week’s misstep of comparing America’s Hispanic community to tacos and mispronouncing the word “bodegas,” First Lady Jill Biden addressed a group of Islamic fundamentalist Imams over the weekend as she traveled with her husband President Joe Biden on his tour of the Middle East. In an effort to illustrate how appreciative she is of diversity in general and of the Arabian culture in particular, the First Lady managed to infuriate her audience.

“I love Arabian culture and the diversity of the Middle Eastern community. You’re as distinct as the soups of Riyadh, as beautiful as the camels in Medina, and as unique as breakfast falafel in Jeddah.”

Mrs. Biden presumably meant to refer to the “souks” of Riyadh, which are marketplaces commonly found throughout the country. The backlash against the First Lady was swift and severe.

“The First Lady’s comments were condescending and insulting. Her attempt at pandering to our community backfired. She doesn’t even know what a souk is. She thinks camels are beautiful. And who the heck eats falafel for breakfast? Mrs. Biden is a moron,” said Imam Hakeep An-EyeOn ThatOne.

When asked for a statement from Mrs. Biden to address the controversy and outrage spreading across Saudi Arabia, the First Lady’s spokesperson Harry Hotmess went on the offensive.

“The First Lady never meant to compare the Saudi people to a culinary dish, and she’s deeply sorry about the falafel kerfuffle. But I think it’s important that everyone remembers that Jill Biden has a Ph.D. which means she’s really smart, and anyone who’s complaining is just showing their ignorance. Also, moving forward, all of you should call her ‘Dr. Jill Biden’ when referring to her and you should curtsy in her presence like they do for Queen Elizabeth.”

Whoopi Goldberg, co-host of ABC’s The View quickly came to the First Lady’s defense:

“What the hell are they complaining about over there? There’s nothing wrong with comparing communities to stereotypical foods. I go to a kosher deli where the butcher’s name is  Yitzhak, and I call him ‘matzah-head’ all the time and he doesn’t throw a hissy fit like this. Besides, it’s not like Arabs are part of a separate race or something.”

Secretary of State Antony Blinken went into fierce and immediate damage control by meeting with members of the Saudi royal family, kissing their sandals, and issuing this statement:

“Please forgive the stupidity of Mrs. Biden, I mean Dr. Jill. She’s not very bright but she’s a good person deep down. And could you please, pretty please, start pumping more oil so that American gas prices come down? Because if you don’t we’re going to get our asses kicked in November.”

The White House Press Corps pressed President Biden for a response to the firestorm, but he seemed unconcerned:

“Anyone who thinks my wife doesn’t appreciate the Arab culture doesn’t know her. Come on, man. Everyone knows Jean loves Saudi Arabia and you people don’t know what you’re talking about. Read the polls, Jack! And get the hell off of my lawn too!”

By Mondayus Satiricus

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Mondayus Satircus is a non-binary political reporter whose preferred pronouns are kazhe/kazhim/kazhis and you had better use the proper pronouns. Kazhe has doctorate degrees in Journalism from Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, and the University of California Berkeley. Mondayus enjoys spending kazhis spare time smoking banana peels and tending to kazhis pet crickets. Kazhe does not participate in social media since none of you are worthy of kazhis attention.

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The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Blue State Conservative. The BSC is not responsible for, and does not verify the accuracy of, any information presented.

Notice: This article is complete satire, so lighten up.

Featured photo by Creator:James Pan, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons