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Christine Blasey Ford Says Ron DeSantis Sexually Assaulted Her At A Party In 1982… When DeSantis Was Four Years Old [Satire]

Heroic psychology professor Dr. Christine Blasey Ford made a stunning announcement yesterday as she stepped into her Mercedes on her way to squash lessons. The 55-year-old Ford, who in 2018 testified at the Senate confirmation hearings for now-Justice Brett Kavanaugh, and whose testimony should have been sufficient to keep that misogynist off the Supreme Court, dropped the bombshell after being asked a question by MSNBC reporter Danielle Rather:

“Oh, it was terrible. Right after that brute Brett Kavanaugh assaulted me (sob) at that party in 1982 (sob), Ron DeSantis came into the room right afterward and he attacked me (boo hoo) even worse than Kavanaugh did. It was so traumatizing. I told all my friends about it and my psychiatrist too, but I didn’t want to talk about it until now.”

When Rather explained to Ford that Florida Governor Ron DeSantis was born in 1978 and that he would have therefore been only four years old at the time of that party, Ford explained:

“Um, oh. Oh yeah. Well, he was a very strong four-year-old, and he had been drinking a lot of beer that night (whimper), and he had lust in his eyes (boo hoo.)”

When told of the accusation by Ms. Ford, Governor DeSantis was quick to reject it without hesitation:

“The only memory I have from being a four-year-old is the time I got sick on a merry-go-round and then threw up on my mother. And as far as assaulting a female, the only time I even came close to such a thing was when I was six years old and an annoying girl in my neighborhood stole my Halloween candy. So, I kicked her in the shins.”

Justice Kavanaugh was reached for comment and quickly dismissed Ms. Ford’s entire narrative:

“That lady is a complete whack job. First of all, there’s no way a four-year-old could have gone unnoticed at one of those parties. And even if he had managed to somehow get in, there’s no way we would have let him drink our beer. We would have kicked his little ass out of there in a nanosecond.”

There has been widespread speculation that Mr. DeSantis will be running for higher office in the near future, and some conservatives have insultingly suggested that Ms. Ford is simply fabricating this story to damage Mr. DeSantis’ reputation. Those bigoted people apparently don’t know about the new requirement in our society that we’re supposed to “believe all women,” and for them to be questioning the integrity of Christine Blasey Ford is sickening.

President Joe Biden was told about the accusation and was asked if he’d like to defend Ms. Ford and if he had anything to say about Governor DeSantis, at which point the president lashed out:

“C’mon man. I’ve known Christmas Blazing Ford for years. Me and her used to drive tractor trailers together, Jack, so anyone who’s got something negative to say about her is going to have a problem with me and my pal Corn Pop. And as far as Governor Rod Atlantis, I knew that guy was a no good, lyin’, dogfaced… um…. hey, you! Get off my lawn!”

By Mondayus Satiricus

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Mondayus Satircus is a non-binary political reporter whose preferred pronouns are kazhe/kazhim/kazhis and you had better use the proper pronouns. Kazhe has doctorate degrees in Journalism from Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, and the University of California Berkeley. Mondayus enjoys spending kazhis spare time smoking banana peels and tending to kazhis pet crickets. Kazhe does not participate in social media since none of you are worthy of kazhis attention.

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The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Blue State Conservative. The BSC is not responsible for, and does not verify the accuracy of, any information presented.

Notice: This article is complete satire, so lighten up.

Featured photo by United States Senate cameras. From Official YouTube channel for US Senator Dick Durbin., Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons, and image has been cropped.