Billionaire and former President Donald J. Trump has put forth a formal offer to heroic communist and outstanding-for-a-woman soccer player Megan Rapinoe and chubby leftist comedienne Rosie O’Donnell for a $100 million winner-take-all mixed martial arts (MMA) fight. While O’Donnell immediately accepted Trump’s terms, Rapinoe is still on the fence.
During a press conference to announce the potential fight, Trump explained:
“This fight is going to be yuge! The biggest ever! It’s going to be a spectacle the likes of which the world has never seen! Rosie and the purple-haired soccer lady duking it out, it’s going to be can’t-miss television. We’re still negotiating how many rounds the fight will be. My team is telling me we should make it a 3-round fight, but I’m hoping to make it a 20-round fight, without gloves and permitting brass knuckles.”
When asked if he thinks Ms. Rapinoe will ultimately agree to fight and whether the fight will be sanctioned by a governing body such as UFC, Trump responded:
“I hope she agrees to the fight, the amount of interest we’ve already seen is incredible. Unprecedented. People want to see the two of them beat the heck out of each other. And as far as if the fight will be sanctioned, it’s going to be sanctioned by me. It’s going to be sanctioned by TFA, the Trump Fighting Association. And it’s going to be yuge!”
The quick acceptance of Trump’s offer by Ms. O’Donnell took many by surprise. The 60-year-old former host of her eponymous talk show and former co-host of The View enthusiastically jumped at the opportunity:
“I haven’t worked in a while and my bank account is starting to dwindle, and $100 million is a lot of money. I started training immediately. I’ve already lost 20 pounds and have another 130 to go. I’m eating raw eggs in the morning, working with a trainer in the gym, and running up and down stairs at the local library while I listen to inspiring music. Growing up on Long Island, I know how to handle myself and I plan on kicking the crap out of that scrawny little Megan Rapinoe.”
When reached for comment, Rapinoe – who was wearing a ‘Free Brittney Griner’ t-shirt and was sporting a new nose ring – explained her apprehension at accepting the offer:
“Well, $100 million is a lot of money, but we all know that if Trump was trying to get two men to fight each other, he’d be offering a lot more. It’s not fair, I have to think about it. He’s a misogynist. He discriminates against women. And besides, Rosie is like twice the size of me. If they let me bring a baseball bat into the ring, that might make it a fair fight.”
When told that Trump was planning on making a similar offer to Vice-President Kamala Harris and Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), Harris was non-committal:
“Seriously, I think we’d need to consider the significance of the passage of time before we would accept such an offer. It would be a seriously significant decision, and something I would have to seriously consider before deciding on. Seriously. But damn, $100 million is a lot of cash!”
By Mondayus Satiricus
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Mondayus Satircus is a non-binary political reporter whose preferred pronouns are kazhe/kazhim/kazhis and you had better use the proper pronouns. Kazhe has doctorate degrees in Journalism from Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, and the University of California Berkeley. Mondayus enjoys spending kazhis spare time smoking banana peels and tending to kazhis pet crickets. Kazhe does not participate in social media since none of you are worthy of kazhis attention.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Blue State Conservative. The BSC is not responsible for, and does not verify the accuracy of, any information presented.
Notice: This article is complete satire, so lighten up.
Featured photos: Trump – Michael Vadon, CC BY-SA 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons; O’Donnell – chattingjason (Jason Chatting), CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons; Rapinoe – Lorie Shaull from St Paul, United States, CC BY-SA 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons; Photos have been cropped.