During a press conference to announce the potential fight, Trump explained: “This fight is going to be yuge! The biggest ever! It’s going to be a spectacle the likes of which the world has never seen! Rosie and the purple-haired soccer lady duking it out, it’s going to be can’t-miss television. We’re still negotiating how many rounds the fight will be. My team is telling me we should make it a 3-round fight, but I’m hoping to make it a 20-round fight, without gloves and permitting brass knuckles.”
Christine Blasey Ford Says Ron DeSantis Sexually Assaulted Her At A Party In 1982… When DeSantis Was Four Years Old [Satire]
Heroic psychology professor Dr. Christine Blasey Ford made a stunning announcement yesterday as she stepped into her Mercedes on her way to squash lessons. The 55-year-old Ford, who in 2018 testified at the Senate confirmation hearings for now-Justice Brett Kavanaugh, and whose testimony should have been sufficient to keep that misogynist off the Supreme Court, dropped the bombshell after being asked a question by MSNBC reporter Danielle Rather:
When asked for a statement from Mrs. Biden to address the controversy and outrage spreading across Saudi Arabia, the First Lady’s spokesperson Harry Hotmess went on the offensive. The First Lady never meant to compare the Saudi people to a culinary dish, and she’s deeply sorry about the falafel kerfuffle.
Earlier this year, Vice-President Kamala Harris gave us her thoughts on the profoundness of “The significance of the passage of time,” which was arguably the best speech by a Vice-President since Walter Mondale’s comparison of the Shah of Iran and the shops of Iraq. Then last week, Harris again shared her extensive knowledge with us with a lesson on being serious. But yesterday, Ms. Harris outdid herself by combining key aspects of both of those orations,
A Week After Renouncing U.S. Citizenship, Billy Joe Armstrong Declares Plan To Renounce U.K. Citizenship Next [Satire]
Meanwhile, British Immigration Minister Alistair Piccadilly weighed in with this explanation: “Mr. Armstrong isn’t even a British citizen yet, how can he renounce a citizenship he doesn’t even have? It’s completely mental. And, incidentally, we jolly well weren’t planning on giving him citizenship to begin with. Why in heaven’s name would we? That man is a total wanker.”
Asked For His Opinion on Roe Versus Wade, Biden Answers “Wade”… Explains He Doesn’t Like Boats [Satire]
In a related story, while participating in a fiery-but-mostly-peaceful riot in Washington D.C., Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) was asked to weigh in on Friday’s controversial Supreme Court decision Dobbs Vs. Jackson, the Congresswoman then put down her Molotov cocktail and explained, “Dobbs was a character in that racist TV show F-Troop. They’re all racists. Everything is racist, and this decision was racist.
According to a White House statement released this morning, Assistant Press Secretary Dick Dipshchitz stated, “President Biden recognizes the need for change at the top of the CDC. They’ve lost almost all their credibility and they only have a 4% approval rating according to recent polls, with a 3% margin of error. The president believes Chris Wallace is the one who can right the ship.”
So, what should we do? How do we take a stand against a sport that flaunts its toxic masculinity every time a player steps up to the plate and grabs his cup? The first step is to organize some tough guys to help, and they don’t have to really be tough, they just have to act that way. We can have them wear black clothes and black masks, and we can call them AntiBa (an abbreviation for “anti-baseball”).